soooo

It's been awhile since i've written in this thing. apparently it's still free for me to use so why not take advantage of it.

so i had my son in january of this year and these months have just flown by. He's gotten so big so fast. I also have noticed that my relationship with his father isn't as strong as I would like it to be. We've been going through some really serious problems and I don't know if I can hang in there any longer. It sucks because I depend on him so much to do things for me and our son. So if I were to leave it would be tough for me to adjust but I know that I would end up making it on my own. I really didn't want my son to grown up like I did with my parents always fighting all the time. And I also didn't want him growing up with separate households either. but..... If things don't get any better I'm afraid we won't have much of a choice but to raise him that way. I feel like he just does whatever the hell he wants to do. I really feel like he doesn't take my feelings into account when he makes stupid decisions. He forgets all the time that we are no longer just our own people anymore. We are something greater than that....We are all connected as one being, a team, a group. but it just feels like we're not tied together like i wanted us to be. I thought that things would have never gotten this bad. I just feel like crying all the time because I don't know what to do to help our situation anymore. Right now we're not even speaking because I just don't want to argue anymore. I find it a lot easier for me to just not say anything at all than to try and work it out. I found out a few weeks ago that my suspicions about certain phone "conversations" were correct. It really just crushed my whole world because we spent weeks arguing about it and it always resulted in lie after lie. Now when I look at him all I can remember is how easily he could just lie to me. Its really distracting. I want to get over it and I want to move on and forgive him but my heart is still in a lot of pain. I don't know how to deal with the feelings I have. All I want to do is just yell and scream at him for being so stupid. I give a lot to this relationship and I just feel like I was taken for granted. like all I do is for nothing. If there was anytime in my life when I wished I could have looked ahead to see the future...right now would have been a perfect time, so that I could have possibly tried to prevent all of this from happening. What's done is done and you can't change the past but I sure wish that I could. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now and I thought the one person that had my back couldn't possibly have fucked up things anymore than they already were but I stand here today corrected. This whole ordeal has been a huge learning experience for me. I realize that I am not happy at all with the way my life is going.
I want things to be so much greater for my son.....I never wanted to bring him up in a world like this. But he's a really smart and blessed boy. He's healthy and so loved by everyone. I know that things will work out for us. his life will be that much more greater than mine. I'll die trying to make it true...

I gotta try to get some sleep but i probably won't .....

i'm approx 33 weeks along....

i'm really starting to feel terrified of what is going to come of this pregnancy. between my family, especially my mother, they're making it extremely difficult to remain positive about my decision to have this child. i shouldn't care what they think of me but it's hard when i've always thrived on approval from others. i've grown from a adult to an adult with a baby. lol it does a lot to your outlook on life. i've really been reflecting on all the f'ed up things that went on in my childhood and how i don't want anything like that to occur with my own son. i want him to grown up better than i did. (which i know he will) for starters...he'll have two loving parents...that alone does wonders for a child's psyche.

i am now 10 weeks pregnant.

yesterday began the wrath of the morning sickness. up until now i just felt queasy all day.....now the puking has begun. what's weird is that i puked at the same time two days in a row. i call that more than just odds. what really sucks is that i have to suck it up and keep on moving. i can't just leave work or even call out because i tossed my cookies. so....

i have to become warrior woman at work and at home.

my two best friends are now salt and vinegar chips and miso soup. how strange.

what's unfortunate is that my family is really "disappointed" because i got pregnant.

i really care but shouldn't care what they think about my decision. i have to take care of the baby and not them. with the exception of my grandmother(she runs a daycare and it would just make sense to put the baby there).

my mom is really taking it "hard"

she doesn't want to talk to me and neither does my brother.(<
right now, all my strength is zapped.. and i'm relying now more than ever on my coworkers/friends and my other friends that i have to help me through this really difficult time.

so i'm a fourth of the way there. i really can't wait until the baby comes so i can have my body back. lol

check it out....

i'm soooooo drunk..thanks neil

honey brown is goooooood stuff man....oh owwo

i guess life has really been awfully busy for me.

this used to be my sanctuary of sanity. now it just seems like I'm missing out on something by sitting here typing. I can't even remember the last time I really sat down and thought about my life and wrote something. Things have been changing so fast recently and I just find myself living hour to hour. I've taken the fun out of life's perspective and turned it into this slave driving state of mind. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that living life this way is sure to guarantee you two things: High blood pressure, and a faster route to the morgue.

Then on the other hand, some people could look at my life and say I shouldn't be complaining. I should be embracing my somewhat privileged life. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for many things that I have done and will accomplish in the future. It's just that sometimes I feel like life could go a little more smoother for me. I'm working toward making it that way right now. I guess I could be working harder for it but that's only obvious.

What I also find interesting is my relationship with Kevin. Sometimes I feel like there is no other man in the world for me. I look at him and I feel like nothing else matters but my love and dedication to him. Sometimes I feel like I could make our relationship stronger by not feeling so tense and angry all the time about things that I have no control over. I take out a lot of frustration on him when most of the time it has nothing to do with him. Then there are times when I feel like it's only a matter of time before something goes wrong and we break up or something else would happen. I really can't picture us being apart. He's grown to be a major part of my life and the a huge contribution to all the growth I've made as a person. How could I ever get tired of someone that important?

Then reality hits me sometimes because nothing lasts forever, and as peachy as it can be between us now, it can eventually run out.

so i'm currently broadcasting from my psp cuz both of my pc's are dead. its really irritating to type like this. i think i'll call it quits for the night:)